Emotional

I've always been a sensitive person.  I cry at those cheesy Folgers coffee  commercials at Christmas.  You know the ones where the brother comes home from college and makes a pot of coffee?  I cry at movies and tv shows when a character dies or some such thing.  I care about people, especially those that I am close to. 

It isn't always easy to deal with and I know that I'm an emotional eater.  Not when I'm angry or someone is angry with me.  I don't like confrontation and it often leaves me with a knot in my stomach and I can go days without eating when that happens.

When I'm sad, well that's a different story.  Give me chocolate, chips, ice cream whatever. 

The past few days have been really hard for me.  I'm dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions and I'm trying my best not to eat the emotions but I'm honestly not making the best decisions.

I was working a multi day event this weekend with a great group of collegues, people I consider to be my friends.  I had seen them all on Saturday while at the event, but as I was the opening shift, they were the closing shift, I left the venue around 2pm with plans to meet up with my friends back at the hotel for dinner. 

About the time I was expecting them to arrive back at our hotel I received a call that they had been in an accident.  Five of them were in the same car and they had a collision with another vehicle.  My knee jerk reaction was to go to them.  Ascertain where they were and just go to them.  Help them, soothe them, do whatever I could for them. 

Ultimately I stayed at the hotel and coordinated with our manager and director, made calls, and texted back and forth.  Packed up their hotel room and made arrangements for their belongings to get back to them. 

I didn't have time to process anything at the time other than just keep working, keep doing things, we had one more day of the event to get through and I worked to get through it.  I didn't let myself dwell on the what could have been's or anything else.  I knew that everyone was going to be all right, everyone was released from the hospital and they were all at home with their loved ones.

I didn't really start to react until Monday for some reason.  Perhaps I was too exhausted from all of the hours I had put in, keeping myself busy.  When I went to work on Monday we had a staff meeting to talk about what had happened and to be updated on how everyone was.   During the staff meeting I started crying.  I kept telling everyone I was fine, I was just tired.  It was after the staff meeting that I broke into the "Emergency" chocolate that we keep in our area for the sugar fix when we need it to get through an event.

I'm trying very hard not to eat my emotions.  I've either spoken with or texted with those who were involved in the accident, I know that they are all right and will heal in time, but I'm still not making the best choices.  I'm struggling and I know that I'm going to pay for that on the scale this week.

How that will effect me?  It's too early to tell. I'm trying desperately to not allow it to effect me, but I know that it will. 

I guess I just had to write about this tonight, to reach out into the vast unknown and admit that I'm struggling. Something I don't like to admit to myself at all.